Confidence

I took my bike out on the trail today.

By myself.

Booyah.

I understand that doesn't sound like a big deal, but for me it kinda is. My sanguine self is always lacking somewhat in confidence when it comes to doing anything alone.

Not to say that I'm not independent, because I definitely am.

Please don't ask me how that works; I couldn't tell ya.

Anyway, I discovered that the armband for iPod wraps around the handlebars and then once around the iPod exactly as if it was meant for it. I also discovered that next time I should disable the random when shaken mode that Apple decided was a good feature for the Nano.

Not that I'm calling Apple retarded, but I wasn't really in the mood for "Drummer Boy" by Jars of Clay on this gorgeous fall day. Even though it thought I was. Twice. Or was it three times?

As I rode through the trail I couldn't help, amidst the gnats cementing themselves to my body, that the trail looked picturesque today. With a light layer of tan leaves strewn across the path yet surrounded by trees still full of beautiful green.

With the wind in my face I sped on through singing along with "I'm Alive" and anything else that inspired me on my random playlist.

...

In other news, I'm training for a 5k.

I've completed two weeks.

This is a major accomplishment for me and far surpasses any previous attempts at running endeavors.

The first day I thought I might die a little. Surprisingly though, the whole experience has been far easier than my expectations allowed me to believe.

I might even end up liking running.

Did I say that outloud?

Tabula Rasa

I originally latched on to the phrase "Tabula Rasa" during my psychology class my junior year. It stuck with me even moreso after it was an episode title for LOST. Now it brings even more meaning as I strongly believe everyone has a chance for a clean slate.

Don't get me wrong, the slates you've already beautifully scrawled across will stay in the corner of your mind - some covered in dust and cobwebs while others lovingly framed on your wall - but your present and future are yours to do what you will with.

...

A few days ago I was riding through the town with my friend Kelli ... on my bike of course.

I forget how sheltered I am.

On an hourly basis.

Completely forget.

I know I grew up shielded from pretty much everything, until I started working at McWorld, but every once in awhile reality slaps me in the face with a giant fish (ever seen the Veggie Tales Jonah?) to remind me that I have it so good and am so protected that I really have no idea what a true life problem is.

As we rode through the streets, I saw a child tear by who was probably about 12. This boy had a look on his face that I can't even begin to describe. He was so angry that I'm pretty sure murder was reflected in his eyes. I'm pretty sure it had nothing to do with something as simple as losing a soccer game or having his best friend tell his deepest secret.

A little further down I noticed a woman holding her shoulder with one hand and a beer in the other while screaming as if crying out for help. The shadow of a man who did not care about her plight, and most likely caused it, looming in the doorway.

Who knew common place misery took place in my basically small town cornfield existence of bliss.

Shame on me for losing myself in my comfort zone.

...

I just got back from my second to last session of training at Gold's Gym.

Crazy how it's been sixteen months since the first time Drew walked up to me and informed me the machine I was using was doing the opposite of my expectations. It amuses me how that's so true in so many aspects of my world - tools meant for good used for their unintended purpose and become a hazard rather than moving me forward. One would think I would learn.

I have mixed emotions about my training coming to an end.

It's definitely been a good thing for me. Drew completely transformed my life habits and I am much healthier (And dare I say irresistible? You know I'm halfway kidding.) because of it.

My credit card has taken all it can of the expense; however, and now that my health is back on track it's time to get my finances back on track.

In other news, Melface and I are training for a 5k.

See Sherrie Run.

This ought to be good.

...

My life, as I now know it, rocks my socks off.

In case you had any doubts, those are Adidas socks.

:)

reboot

Hello all!

So after a year or two of confusion, I’m still trying to figure out my life. But I think I’m starting to get back on the right track.

The one I never should have left in the first place.

When you decide on something that you feel totally, totally certain of… don’t push it aside for a boy. Ever.

While I was in Japan I felt like that was where I was supposed to be, where I was supposed to come back to. The way everything worked with that trip, the way I connected with people, picked up the language, everything…

When I came back to the States I was determined to get through senior year as smoothly as possible, graduate, & get back to Japan as soon as I could.

Silly me.

My first warning sign should have been that he didn’t seem interested in going back to Japan himself (long term, anyway) but also didn’t really seem to have anything in particular that he wanted to do with his life. And like a ridiculous flake, I said “sayonara” to the place that I adored from the bottom of my heart & convinced myself that I’d be happy “as long as I’m with him.” Oh. My. Gosh. Idiot.

Over the past several months I’ve been really working to reassess my life. I’ve been applying all over the States for positions related to radio & video to no avail. I’ve been applying to local places with the “a job, any job” mentality, also with little results. The occasional temp job here and there, but… yeah.

It’s been a growing conviction to return to Japan, but only recently did it particularly strike me. There is nothing holding me here.

Yes, my friends and family are (mostly) in the States. This is true. However, as things already are my friends are scattered to the winds so it’s not like I see them that often anyway. My family are dear to me, but I’m not a super-homebody, I’d always figured I’d live some distance from them once I set out on my own. (I mean, look at my parents, they live 18 hours from their hometown after living in several other different states while dad was in the Navy).

I also know that my family will visit me if I move to Japan. They’ve said so previously and meant it. I hope that my friends will come and visit me, but even if they don’t at least there are means of communication. I also know that I can make new ones overseas. Maybe even more easily, since my mannerisms tend to match better over there than here. One thing I know is that I couldn’t feel any more lonely there than I do here.

I miss Japan. I fought and suppressed it for a long time, but now that I’ve been admitting it to myself I can’t stop berating myself for behaving the way I did.

I’m still trying to get myself refocused on this. I don’t know what steps I need to take, but it’s something I will figure out.

I could use a lot of prayer right now.

(haha, this one amused me so I tossed it in... I've been told I have the "Japanese person on the train" expression perfect)

In other news:

I’m working to start a missions group at my church (yeah… we don’t have one….)

I’m also considering doing another music video of the local marching band using their field show. This year the show involves martial arts in a very hard-core kind of way (think flags vs percussion, heck yeah). Some of the kids were telling me about it, I’m pumped. Just need to go talk to the band director. (I try to do video projects, both because I enjoy them and because it's good to keep at least somewhat in practice, ya know?)

I’ve been posting more to my livejournal again lately. It’s fun.

My brother is in his first year at JBU, hehe.

*I’m not really sure how blogspot works, so I’m not sure if this’ll work quite right… but I’m going to attempt to toss in some of my photos from Japan and a good vid I found on youtube, to try and share a glimpse of the world that I’m missing:

Hola from Chicago!

So I read Emma's post on Sunday while waiting for the Sherrie to pick me up in Joliet so here ya go!

Well life in the windy city is good I guess. I am trying to get started up with my own business through LTD and Amway Global. I am beginning to feel the pinch of my pay cut because the money I had saved up went to trips this summer and I need to supplement my lost income or the credit cards and loans will be the end of me. *sigh* other than that, I have been hanging out with people from the group up here in Chicago and it has been fun. We had dinner last night in Schaumburg and got to meet a couple that pretty much is the reason a lot of the people I met are in this business. So that was fun and then went to a house and played some apples to apples and then went home. Now I am waiting for the Sherrie to come pick me up in Joliet to go to a leadership conference for this business group. And then more work.....

***That was written while I was sitting in the car. This is a picture later that day***

*The above pic was taken with Sherrie's camera at the Ladies Leadership Conference. From Left: Michelle Fox, me, Dawn, and Sherrie*

This week has been a very busy and stressful one because we are completely reseting the floor for the most part and I had an associate quit on me so that has left me completely swamped and really feeling crapped on because either no one wants to work the department or are really slow or want to make more work for everyone.... so trying to stay positive and not have a nervous break down. I really appreciate my store manager being so understanding about the situation, but its still a frustrating place to be.....

*Below picture is of Wayne on the left and Lynn next to him at the Halloween party last year at my Aunt and Uncle's*

I got to hang out with my Aunt's sister. Her name is Lynn and her husband is Wayne and they are the sweetest couple you will ever meet. They invited me out to dinner up at this awesome restaurant in Wisconsin and then we just hung out and talked when we got back. They have four Cockatils, a parakeet, and a parrot. They had a parrot named George that they were really attached to, but the poor little guy died while the vet was grooming him. So that left both of them pretty heart broken for a while and then they found Billy. He is the same as George just a different personality. He actually stepped on to my arm and then preceded to bite me... ^^; Little bugger was testing me I guess...but the next day I find out he is a little camera ham! Here are some for your viewing pleasure....

This was taken on his cage. He has a lot of things to play on to keep him active and stimulated.

I think he liked the noise my phone was making when I took a picture.

We also went to the Chicago Botanical Garden which was really pretty. So I guess that is all for now. My friend Amanda is coming into town next Wednesday so that will be fun playing tour guide. So good bye for now!