reboot

Hello all!

So after a year or two of confusion, I’m still trying to figure out my life. But I think I’m starting to get back on the right track.

The one I never should have left in the first place.

When you decide on something that you feel totally, totally certain of… don’t push it aside for a boy. Ever.

While I was in Japan I felt like that was where I was supposed to be, where I was supposed to come back to. The way everything worked with that trip, the way I connected with people, picked up the language, everything…

When I came back to the States I was determined to get through senior year as smoothly as possible, graduate, & get back to Japan as soon as I could.

Silly me.

My first warning sign should have been that he didn’t seem interested in going back to Japan himself (long term, anyway) but also didn’t really seem to have anything in particular that he wanted to do with his life. And like a ridiculous flake, I said “sayonara” to the place that I adored from the bottom of my heart & convinced myself that I’d be happy “as long as I’m with him.” Oh. My. Gosh. Idiot.

Over the past several months I’ve been really working to reassess my life. I’ve been applying all over the States for positions related to radio & video to no avail. I’ve been applying to local places with the “a job, any job” mentality, also with little results. The occasional temp job here and there, but… yeah.

It’s been a growing conviction to return to Japan, but only recently did it particularly strike me. There is nothing holding me here.

Yes, my friends and family are (mostly) in the States. This is true. However, as things already are my friends are scattered to the winds so it’s not like I see them that often anyway. My family are dear to me, but I’m not a super-homebody, I’d always figured I’d live some distance from them once I set out on my own. (I mean, look at my parents, they live 18 hours from their hometown after living in several other different states while dad was in the Navy).

I also know that my family will visit me if I move to Japan. They’ve said so previously and meant it. I hope that my friends will come and visit me, but even if they don’t at least there are means of communication. I also know that I can make new ones overseas. Maybe even more easily, since my mannerisms tend to match better over there than here. One thing I know is that I couldn’t feel any more lonely there than I do here.

I miss Japan. I fought and suppressed it for a long time, but now that I’ve been admitting it to myself I can’t stop berating myself for behaving the way I did.

I’m still trying to get myself refocused on this. I don’t know what steps I need to take, but it’s something I will figure out.

I could use a lot of prayer right now.

(haha, this one amused me so I tossed it in... I've been told I have the "Japanese person on the train" expression perfect)

In other news:

I’m working to start a missions group at my church (yeah… we don’t have one….)

I’m also considering doing another music video of the local marching band using their field show. This year the show involves martial arts in a very hard-core kind of way (think flags vs percussion, heck yeah). Some of the kids were telling me about it, I’m pumped. Just need to go talk to the band director. (I try to do video projects, both because I enjoy them and because it's good to keep at least somewhat in practice, ya know?)

I’ve been posting more to my livejournal again lately. It’s fun.

My brother is in his first year at JBU, hehe.

*I’m not really sure how blogspot works, so I’m not sure if this’ll work quite right… but I’m going to attempt to toss in some of my photos from Japan and a good vid I found on youtube, to try and share a glimpse of the world that I’m missing:

Hola from Chicago!

So I read Emma's post on Sunday while waiting for the Sherrie to pick me up in Joliet so here ya go!

Well life in the windy city is good I guess. I am trying to get started up with my own business through LTD and Amway Global. I am beginning to feel the pinch of my pay cut because the money I had saved up went to trips this summer and I need to supplement my lost income or the credit cards and loans will be the end of me. *sigh* other than that, I have been hanging out with people from the group up here in Chicago and it has been fun. We had dinner last night in Schaumburg and got to meet a couple that pretty much is the reason a lot of the people I met are in this business. So that was fun and then went to a house and played some apples to apples and then went home. Now I am waiting for the Sherrie to come pick me up in Joliet to go to a leadership conference for this business group. And then more work.....

***That was written while I was sitting in the car. This is a picture later that day***

*The above pic was taken with Sherrie's camera at the Ladies Leadership Conference. From Left: Michelle Fox, me, Dawn, and Sherrie*

This week has been a very busy and stressful one because we are completely reseting the floor for the most part and I had an associate quit on me so that has left me completely swamped and really feeling crapped on because either no one wants to work the department or are really slow or want to make more work for everyone.... so trying to stay positive and not have a nervous break down. I really appreciate my store manager being so understanding about the situation, but its still a frustrating place to be.....

*Below picture is of Wayne on the left and Lynn next to him at the Halloween party last year at my Aunt and Uncle's*

I got to hang out with my Aunt's sister. Her name is Lynn and her husband is Wayne and they are the sweetest couple you will ever meet. They invited me out to dinner up at this awesome restaurant in Wisconsin and then we just hung out and talked when we got back. They have four Cockatils, a parakeet, and a parrot. They had a parrot named George that they were really attached to, but the poor little guy died while the vet was grooming him. So that left both of them pretty heart broken for a while and then they found Billy. He is the same as George just a different personality. He actually stepped on to my arm and then preceded to bite me... ^^; Little bugger was testing me I guess...but the next day I find out he is a little camera ham! Here are some for your viewing pleasure....

This was taken on his cage. He has a lot of things to play on to keep him active and stimulated.

I think he liked the noise my phone was making when I took a picture.

We also went to the Chicago Botanical Garden which was really pretty. So I guess that is all for now. My friend Amanda is coming into town next Wednesday so that will be fun playing tour guide. So good bye for now!

Hello from South Korea!

Hello everyone!
Felt like it was time for a bit of an update from me... even though there isn't anything really new going on. (Other than the former South Korean president dying and causing my super fun concert to be cancelled. Bleh...state funerals and their 6-days of mourning...)

Anywho, the job is still going well. Plus I start another side job tomorrow. And my website gave me permission to write about the underground Korean rock scene, which makes me incredibly happy. I get to write about my friends. I'm still trying to get tickets for the ASF concert next month, but it's still not looking too good...

Um, let's see... looking for a roommate since my landlady raised my rent by about $100 a month... just so I could keep Issie. But I have to hide her from the neighbors... It's been about two years since I've really had one so I'm kind of nervous... Up to date four with a guy, but the jury is still out on anything long-term. Though at the moment, things are looking favorable... but then again, you know me...

And yea... that's my life as of now in a nutshell... How is everyone else doing?

Getting Back Up

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I'm feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away

Then I remember the pledge you made to me

I know you're always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I'm clinging to the promise of a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

Will you help me, I'm falling apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change

I still remember the pledge you made to me

I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside

And I am comforted

—"Promise of a Lifetime" by Kutless

This song randomly came up on my iTunes just now ... I had pretty much forgotten about it but it's extremely calming.

Maybe I've been looking in the wrong place for comfort, not that I didn't already know that.

I actually am pretty much recovered from the betrayal of the last six months of my life. Don't get me wrong, I will always cherish it and if he ever decides he can handle friendship I'd be elated, but I'm confident in who I am and know there is so much more for me to look forward to. Honestly it's not even been on my mind much lately.

My stalker is currently not talking to me, which I find humorous. I mean if he wants to believe a drunk ex-coworker who he never talks to and is notorious for lying over sober me who he talks to all the time and has never lied to him ... it's really not worth the effort to even think about it. In fact, it kind of makes me laugh. Actually it makes me want to roll on the floor laughing. The word "holla" is not even in my vocabulary. If that doesn't make sense to you, feel free to ask me the story.

Spent last weekend in Minneapolis with some new friends in the business group I recently got started with. It was a lot of fun, not to mention refreshing, to hang out with people who are motivated about their future and believe there's something better out there. I'm content with where I am but I'm never content to stay there ... if that makes sense.

Headed up to Chitown this weekend to hang with a buddy of mine and meet some people he thinks I need to hang out with ... should be interesting. Also might be headed out to an upline's ginormous house with the friends from last weekend.

Lately my life has been consumed with web design whether it's at work or in my freetime.

I've been working with my buddy Drew to set up an awesome website for him. Tried super hard to get it done before he left but failed due to its extensiveness. It's going to be pretty sweet when it's done. I hate that he had to go, though. I don't handle goodbyes well, especially not with close friends. We pretty much told each other everything.

I totally got busted for having pics downloaded from his MySpace ... haha. I had done that a year ago when I had a huge crush on him apparently. I totally forgot about it and came across them accidentally when he was over late one night and we were trying to find the right picture for an article on the website.

Luckily he found it as amusing as I did. While I deleted those after finding them, I now have a ridiculous amount of much better pictures anyway that he downloaded from his photo shoot.

I would've flipped out a year ago which is humorous to think about now.

Oh, I moved. I'm in a house now.

My neighbors already probably think I'm psychotic since I always bounce up and down on my exercise ball when I use my computer ... my window faces the street and I have yet to get curtain rods ... so all they see is me bouncing up and down.

I excel at first impressions.

:)

mwah

I have a croissant, vanilla chai, and internet access. Life is good.

I also have a song to recommend. "Fireflies" by Owl City. It was a free download on Itunes a few weeks ago, so if you keep up with that and you haven't listened to it yet, you should. Other songs I've got on repeat are "Starlight" (by Muse) and "F-f-f-falling" (by The Rasmus).

No reason to post aside from spreading some good feeling and music love. Hope y'all are doing well. Peace.