reboot

Hello all!

So after a year or two of confusion, I’m still trying to figure out my life. But I think I’m starting to get back on the right track.

The one I never should have left in the first place.

When you decide on something that you feel totally, totally certain of… don’t push it aside for a boy. Ever.

While I was in Japan I felt like that was where I was supposed to be, where I was supposed to come back to. The way everything worked with that trip, the way I connected with people, picked up the language, everything…

When I came back to the States I was determined to get through senior year as smoothly as possible, graduate, & get back to Japan as soon as I could.

Silly me.

My first warning sign should have been that he didn’t seem interested in going back to Japan himself (long term, anyway) but also didn’t really seem to have anything in particular that he wanted to do with his life. And like a ridiculous flake, I said “sayonara” to the place that I adored from the bottom of my heart & convinced myself that I’d be happy “as long as I’m with him.” Oh. My. Gosh. Idiot.

Over the past several months I’ve been really working to reassess my life. I’ve been applying all over the States for positions related to radio & video to no avail. I’ve been applying to local places with the “a job, any job” mentality, also with little results. The occasional temp job here and there, but… yeah.

It’s been a growing conviction to return to Japan, but only recently did it particularly strike me. There is nothing holding me here.

Yes, my friends and family are (mostly) in the States. This is true. However, as things already are my friends are scattered to the winds so it’s not like I see them that often anyway. My family are dear to me, but I’m not a super-homebody, I’d always figured I’d live some distance from them once I set out on my own. (I mean, look at my parents, they live 18 hours from their hometown after living in several other different states while dad was in the Navy).

I also know that my family will visit me if I move to Japan. They’ve said so previously and meant it. I hope that my friends will come and visit me, but even if they don’t at least there are means of communication. I also know that I can make new ones overseas. Maybe even more easily, since my mannerisms tend to match better over there than here. One thing I know is that I couldn’t feel any more lonely there than I do here.

I miss Japan. I fought and suppressed it for a long time, but now that I’ve been admitting it to myself I can’t stop berating myself for behaving the way I did.

I’m still trying to get myself refocused on this. I don’t know what steps I need to take, but it’s something I will figure out.

I could use a lot of prayer right now.

(haha, this one amused me so I tossed it in... I've been told I have the "Japanese person on the train" expression perfect)

In other news:

I’m working to start a missions group at my church (yeah… we don’t have one….)

I’m also considering doing another music video of the local marching band using their field show. This year the show involves martial arts in a very hard-core kind of way (think flags vs percussion, heck yeah). Some of the kids were telling me about it, I’m pumped. Just need to go talk to the band director. (I try to do video projects, both because I enjoy them and because it's good to keep at least somewhat in practice, ya know?)

I’ve been posting more to my livejournal again lately. It’s fun.

My brother is in his first year at JBU, hehe.

*I’m not really sure how blogspot works, so I’m not sure if this’ll work quite right… but I’m going to attempt to toss in some of my photos from Japan and a good vid I found on youtube, to try and share a glimpse of the world that I’m missing: