Hiatus

I've realized I don't have enough coherant thoughts to blog when I'm emotionally unstable. I also just don't know how to handle it in general. I'm so used to being a stable support system in nearly every circle of my friends, I simply don't know how to be on the other side of that.

I apologize for all the times I've said "It's going to be okay." I now understand that's the last thing in the world you want to hear and that you don't want to hear anything really, you just want someone to listen to you.

Never in my life have I felt so emotionally unstable and spiraling out of control the way I did the last couple weeks.

I literally wanted to die.

I literally made my room as dark as possible and just layed there drifting in and out of consciousness because I was physically, emotionally and mentally incapable of doing anything else.

I literally hyperventilated.

I literally threw up 3 times within 24 hours even though I hadn't eaten anything to throw up.

I made it through it, but I don't know how.

My boss, by the total grace of God, let me keep my job and I found a new place to live that should be a grand new adventure.

There is one last missing piece that goes without saying, but I sincerely hope that that will work out as well.

I seriously seriously seriously screwed up.

I'm human.

For Everyone Who's Lost Someone They've Loved

She's going out to forget they were together
All that time he was taking her for granted
She wants to see if there's more
than he gave she's looking for

He calls her up
He's trippin on the phone now
He doesn't want her out there
And alone now
He knows she's movin it
Knows she's using it
Now he's losing it
She don't care

Everybody put up your hands
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love
Feel the beat now
If you've got nothing left
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love
Back it up now
You've got a reason to live
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don't be afraid to get down
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love

He was always giving her attention
Looking hard to find the things she mentioned
He was dedicated
But most suckers hate it
That girl was fine
But she didn't appreciate him

She calls him up
She's tripping on the phone now
He had to get up
And he ain't comin home now
He's tryin to forget her
That's how we come with him
When he first met her
When they first got together

Everybody put up your hands
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love
Feel the beat now

If you got nothing left
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love
Back it up now
You got a reason to live
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don't be afraid to get down
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love

To the beat (x3)
You got nothing to lose
Don't be afraid to get down

We break up
It's something that we do now
Everyone has got to do it sometime
It's okay, let it go
Get out there and find someone

It's too late to be trippin' on the phone here
Get off the wire
You know everything is good here
Stop what you're doin'
You don't wanna ruin
The chance that you got to
find a new one

Everybody put up your hands
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love
Feel the beat now
If you got nothing left
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love
Back it up now
You got a reason to live
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love
Feelin' good now
Don't be afraid to get down
Say I don't wanna be in love
I don't wanna be in love

Nooo... Noooo

Now you know what to do, so come on feelin' good

—"I Don't Wanna Be in Love," Good Charlotte

Why I'm Staying in Illinois

There's a lot of false speculation as to why I'm staying. Here are the real reasons:

1. I can't afford to move. When the idea first came up it looked like it was going to be about $600. Now it's going to be about 3x that which will completely wipe out my savings and leave me with nothing to pay bills or the first rent or deposit there. I don't currently have a job and even if I did it would take at least 2 weeks to get paid.
2. I don't have a job there. I don't have one here either but I was talking to my smart adult unbiased friend Angela who's mom lives out there and she was telling me her mom couldn't even find a summer job the economy there is so bad. I didn't know anything about the economy there until I made the decision to move. David couldn't find a job there. Dillard's is even closing there it's so bad.
3. I don't want to leave my network of friends.
4. I wanted to move for a change, I can do that here.
5. I hate it when everything is brown. It makes no sense for me to move to a desert.
6. My smart friend Angela told me it always sounded like I was convincing myself it was a good ida.
7. The only reason I wouldn't move at this point is because I feel bad about ditching Katie.
8. I love living between St Louis and Chicago because I have favorite things to do in both places.

Believe me. If I could afford to go on adventure right now, I would. For once I'm choosing to be financially responsible instead. I don't understand why that should be held against me.

Love

One of my friends had this as her status on Facebook:

“The wise are wise only because they love. The fool are fools only because they think they can understand love."

Thoughts?

Finally had an interview...

So, I went in for an interview and editing test today with Arirang TV. It's the largest English channel in Korea, and I think it's abroad as well. If I get the job, I'll be working with the news team. I was incredibly nervous and the test was really hard. I've been out of the news game for a little over a year now and I've never worked with editing for broadcast, so I was a little rusty (and should have spent last night reviewing and researching broadcast writing...bad decision on my part...). Anyway, they have a few more people taking the test, so I'm worried about not getting the job. But I got the call unexpectedly, which means it must have been a God-thing so all I can do is wait and pray that God wants me to have this job and I'm going to get it. I should know maybe by the end of this week or next week. I'm probably going to be on pins and needles waiting... which means another week of little sleep and anxiety. Bleh... I feel like I could have done better on the test, so let's hope that everyone else does worse. ^_^;

Moving in and other things

I think I am pretty much done with moving in. Just straighting up and hanging some last minute things up. Soo I had an idea. I have a TON of shirts from JBU, High School, and well life in general and thought that it might be fun to have like a shirt of the month or something like that. I am talking about all the screen tees I have accumilated over the years from Orientation, high school activities etc. It might be a fun way to remember old times! :) And along those lines, because of working at AMC for three years I have about fifty some odd posters that I can't put on my wall so I was thinking about a poster of the week and we could review or talk about the movie, fun memories or otherwise associated with the movie... I don't know what do you guys think? I would post a picture of the poster and shirt so you could see it.

P.S.

Pictures are now up for your viewing pleasure on Facebook!

I think it's time for an update...

Though, actually there isn't much to update. I'm still waiting on the newspaper. They contacted me on Monday and said that I'm at the top of their hiring list, but he's still talking to management and they are taking awhile. So, hopefully, I'll have something to hear in a couple days (according to the editor). Here's hoping I'll hear something soon.

In the mean time, I'm looking into some freelance jobs to help tide me over. GetaFreelancer.com is not being so kind to me, but I'm going to keep trying and hopefully I can get something. It just sucks that all the work is around $2.25-$30 an article. The last time I did freelance they paid around $100. I guess the depression has hit freelancers bad...

Eh, so that's about it. No new boyfriends. (Though there is a definite interest...) I'll let you guys know about any new changes. ^_^